Guys - This One is for YOU !!
Something scares you. It’s not terrorism, economic recession, global warming, or gasoline prices that could hit 10 bucks per gallon by the time you’re done reading this. These things might worry you, but something else makes your palms sweat and your pulse hit triple digits: asking someone out on a date.
That’s because asking someone out involves potential pain. If the object of your affection becomes aware of your intentions, he or she might not reciprocate, and that’s going to hurt. I don’t care if you’re the most self-confident, well-adjusted person around; rejection hurts.OUCH !!! It makes anyremaining friendship awkward at best, humiliating at worst. Revealing romantic feelings is a risky business, RIGHT?
Many people find a way around the risk. Or at least they think they do. Instead of asking someone out on a date and being bold in their intentions, they turn to the soggy alternative to dating: “let's just hang out.”
So here's the deal: You like someone but you’re afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for softer denial of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find some really lame excuses to call, text, and e-mail. Worst of all, you engage in the most stupid of conversations and great abys of non-dates—going to coffee. This just has the trappings of a date dude — a cozy place with a cold glass of tea, a good atmosphere with music — while allowing everyone involved in our immediate space is actually on a date. Fear of YOU suffering rejection alone has resulted in the "Starbucks" mental;ity. It's just coffee. SURE IT IS.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out while waiting for God to give them a SIGN. If you’ve been down this road before, you know that it’s seldom successful. You remain stuck in the “friend zone,” which is "relationship purgatory of sorts" if you have a crush on someone.
Are We Dating or Not?
Look, I may not be the youngets guy on the block but I will put it on th eline that I know what Christian females are looking for. The biggest complaint I know of from Christian women was that Christian men weren’t assertive enough. They described men who drove them crazy by calling and hanging around while never asking them out on a real date. They said that it was exhausting trying to figure out which guys liked them versus which guys liked them. So let me unravel a few differences between dating and hanging out, in hopes of making yolur life easier and satisfing for the ladies in your future. Now you can take it or leave it. It's all up to you.
•Asking someone if they’ll be at church next week is hanging out. Asking someone if they would like to go out with you is dating.
•Making up a reason to call, e-mail, or text someone is hanging out. Calling just because you want to talk, and telling the person so, is dating.
•Going to coffee is hanging out. Going to dinner is dating.
•Doing something with the object of your affection and seven other friends is hanging out. If the two of you do something alone, it’s dating.
•Hiding your feelings is hanging out. Telling someone you’re interested in pursuing a more serious relationship is dating.
The Purpose of Hanging
Go ahead and hang out with someone if you’re just getting to know him or her. By all means, don’t ask a person out just because you think he or she is cute but know nothing else about them. You might have nothing in common with the person. The music she loves might make you throw up. He might be a deranged serial killer. OK, he’s probably not a serial killer, but you get my point. It’s important to hang out before asking out. The problem is that many people never make this "leap of Faith". They hang out continually like a grandfathers clock slowly ticking, perpetually swinging back and forth, creating confusion and tension that could easily be dissipated by asking someone "Karen, We have been hanging out for awhile and I would love to make it official. Would you have dinner and a movie with me this Saturday night?" DUDE, that's a DATE !!!!!
Then I get the question, “How do you know when it’s time for a friendship to go further?” or “When should two people stop hanging out and start dating?” Figuring that out is the easy part. If you find the person attractive, you can’t stop thinking about him or her, and you’re unsatisfied with the close intimacy that friendship provides, then it’s time to ask out instead of hang out. The problem usually isn’t that people don’t know whether or not they want to date, it’s that they’re afraid the other person doesn’t feel the same way.
GET OVER BEING REJECTED.
This kind of fearful hem hawing isn’t how Christians should do things. This isn’t who God created us to be. I’m not saying that in defiance of some antiquated courtship rituals. I mean we shouldn’t be so stinking scared. We shouldn’t be afraid to date. Overcoming this fear involves two steps:
1.Get a life. Something needs to be more important to you than finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need a passion, something that excites you and gives your life meaning and purposful, LIKE JESUS. More on that in anoter blog. It should be something thrilling and at least a little daring at the same time. Not only will this give your life focus and keep you busy, it can build self-esteem. As you begin to move forward toward your goals, you’ll feel better about yourself. Have you ever noticed that a lot of people find love when they’re not looking very hard for it? It’s usually because they’re in the middle of a meaningful journey. And that just happens to make them more attractive. This part should be easy for Christians. We have something, or rather Someone, who’s eager to give our life a sense of mission, meaning, and value aka: Jesus.
2.Be authentic. At some point, someone decided it wasn’t cool to let someone know that you’re interested in him or her. I guess people think it makes you seem desperate. That can be the case sometimes, but it’s not true if you’ve taken care of Step 1 above. Being honest and bold about your feelings doesn’t come off as cheesy if you have self-confidence. It shows courage and self-esteem. It shows that getting rejected won’t devastate you because you know and like who you are. The alternative to this is “hanging out” with someone and hoping to catch a lucky break. That takes a lot more time and trouble to get what usually turns out to be the same result.
Take a look at 1st John 4:18 says that “perfect love drives out fear.” While it’s normal to be nervous when you ask someone out, God’s perfect love should cast out all fear that you’re unlovable, unworthy, and destined to be alone. You’re exploring the possibility of a relationship with one person. If it doesn’t work out, God’s love will take care of you far more than the love of any human on earth.
So guys, there you have it. Take it our leave it. That choice is yours. But to the guy who called asking for wise counsel, I continualy tell them seek God first in ALL THINGS. Then if you get no answer and you call me at 2am, I will smile and say
www.timcoats.blogspot.com and roll over and go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
till next time,
peace I leave with you
tc
Romans 5:1
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